|
Joke Menu
Musician Dating Guide
Jokes About Bassists Drummer Jokes Musician Jokes Jokes on Guitar Players Singer Jokes Musician Jokes Home Site Menu
Band Profiles
Fan Profiles Venue Profiles Charts Music Gear Musician Jokes Ringtones Shows Support Blogs Local Music Home Register Log In Information
Venue Lists
|
Three string bassists are in a symphony playing Beethoven's Ninth. In the middle there is a long break for the bassists, who decide to go across the street to a pub for a few beers. After having WAY too many, one of them noticed that they'd be late getting back. "No problem", said the others.. they had tied the conductor's score together and it would take him awhile to get it untied.
As they made their way back onstage, a woman in the audience commented that the conductor looked very angry. "Of course he is", her husband replied, "it's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded".
What's the difference between an bassist and a toilet? So this couple go to see a marriage counselor. They’re in their early thirties, middle class, reasonably attractive, all in all a pretty ordinary couple. The counselor motions for them to sit and asks them what the problem is.
“It’s like this,” says the wife. “I love my husband dearly, but we just find it so difficult to communicate. I don’t know how to talk to him any more.” “Yeah, doc, it’s real bad,” the husband chimed in, “We used to sit for hours, just listening to one another. We’ve not had a proper conversation in months. I just can’t think of anything to say to her.” The counselor thought about this for a moment. “Maybe I can help you” he said. He reached under his desk and brought out a large leather case. From the case he pulled a beautiful bass guitar, which he started very gently to play. The couple listened for a moment. Then, as if by magic, they began to pour out their hopes and fears to one another. As the counselor played his subtle melodies they finally spoke what was most true in their hearts. After the session was finished the couple were ecstatic. Their relationship was saved and they couldn’t stop thanking the counselor. “How did you do it?” the husband asked, incredulous. “It’s quite simple,” the counselor replied, “Everyone talks during the bass solo.”
Next week, after the second lesson, the father again asks about the progress, and the son replies, ‘this time I learned the first five notes on the A string.’ One week later, the son comes home far later than expected, smelling of cigarettes and beer. So the father asks, ‘hey, what happened in today's lesson?’ ’Dad, I'm sorry but I couldn't make it to my lesson. I had a gig! Just before rehearsal is about to start on the Orchestra's "Bring Your Child to Work Day," the conductor is horrified to see the bass player hitting one of the children. "You can't do that!" he yells. "Why are you hitting him?" "He slackened one of my strings" replies the bass player. "No problem," says the conductor. "Just tune the string up again." "I can't!" screams the bass player. "He won't tell me which one."
How many country bass players does it take to change a lightbulb? 1...5...1...5...1...5 How do you tell if a bass player is actually dead?
Hold out a check (but don't be fooled: a slight, residual spasmodic clutching action may occur even hours after death has occurred).
What's the difference between a Double Bass and a Viola
The Bass will burn longer
A bass player and a drummer are driving out through the country late one afternoon when their Microbus overheats and stalls. Trapped in the middle of nowhere, the bass player and the drummer walk through a large field up to the steps of a quaint farmhouse. The farmer walks out on the porch, followed by his very attractive daughter, and asks, "Can I help you boys?" The drummer says, "Yeah, our car broke down. Can we use your phone to call a tow truck or a repair person?" The farmer replies, "Well, I don't have a phone and the nearest repair guy is in town about a hundred miles away. I could take you boys in the morning if you woulnd't mind waiting till then." "I guess so," said the bass player, staring at the daugther, "Do you have "That would be fine," the bass player replied immediately. The drummer replies, "No, I guess not." The bass player says, "Neither do I. Good, then I'm gonna take this damn thing off!"
This band is playing a small bar, and the bass player is really drowning his sorrows. Between sets he goes into the bathroom. Suddenly a 'blood-curdling scream rings through the bar. About 5 minutes latter a shrill scream pierces the air of the bar again. The bartender decides that he had better go see if this guy is okay. Pounding on the door he asks, "Is everything ok in there?"
"No!" says the bass player. "I'm sittin' on the john, and I tried to flush when something grabs me by the nuts! I tried again but the same thing happened! Get help!" The bartender says, "Let me see if I can help." He opens the door and says, "You idiot! That's the mop-bucket!!"
What do you say to a Bass player in a three piece suit?
Johnny starting playing bass as a child, and his encouraging mother always kept his spirits high and made him proud to be a bassist. One day he came home and said, "Mommy, Mommy! Today in school we did numbers, and most kids only got to ten, but I went to twenty!" The next day, Johnny came home saying,"Mommy! Mommy! Today we did the alphabet, and everyone else stopped at P, but I made it all the way to Z!" The next day, Johnny came home excited once again. "Mommy! Mommy! Today They measured us and I'm the tallest in my class! Is that because I'm a bass player?"
What's the difference between a bass player and a pizza?
What do you call a bass player without a girlfriend?
How do you get a bass player to turn down?
A bass player who suspects his girlfriend of cheating on him goes out and buys a gun. He goes to his apartment unexpectedly, opens the door, and, sure enough, finds her naked in the arms of a redhead. Well, now He’s angry. He opens his coat and takes out the gun. But as he does so, he is overcome with grief and points the gun at his own head.
This Bass Player goes into a supermarket and buys a tube of toothpaste, a bottle of Pepsi, a bag of tortilla chips, and a frozen pizza. The cute girl at the register looks at him and says, "Single, huh?"
A Bass player and and guitarist are riding horses out in the country, when all of a sudden the Bass player jumps off his horse, runs around behind it, and gives it a kiss right on the tail. The guitarist, totally baffled asked the Bass player what the hell he was doing?
A guy goes into a doctor's office complaining of pain. The doctor asks, "where does it hurt?" The guy touches his arm and says ouch. Then he touches his knee and says owwwwwch. Then he touches his stomach and says owwww. "It hurts everywhere" he tells the doctor. The doctor says... "you're a bass player aren't you?" The guy replies, "how did you know that?" The doctor tells him, "you don't hurt everywhere... you're finger is broken."
A bass player and a drummer are driving down the road when the car breaks down. The only place around is this little farm house, so they walk over and knock on the door. This old farmer answers the door and gives them a weary look.
These two bass players walk into a brothel, and the madam doesn't feel like wasting time on these two guys, so she sends them to their room with blow up dolls. Well, the two guys do their business and then get in the car and head home. One the way back, one bass player turns to the other and says, "You know, I think my girl was dead. She didn't moan, groan, or even move. I don't even think she was breathing."
A man & his wife decide for their retirement, they want to take a trip to West Africa, something they'd talked about their entire lives. So they book the trip. The plane lands in Africa, and the first thing they notice when the get off the plane is the sound of native drums. Seems no matter where they go, to the market, swimming, on safari there is the constant sound of drums. One day the man asks his guide "why is there constant drumming here?" The guide replies "as long as you hear the drums, there is peace and tranquility in our land"
One day as they are traveling with the guide, the drums suddenly stop.
What do you say to a bass player in a suit?....Will the defendent please rise."
|
|